Ten Tips For

The first step to conquering the world is being evil. You might be telling yourself "But I wasn't born evil like you. How can I rule the world?" I won't deny it helps to have the gift of twisted morality and a dark soul, but like anything, being evil is something that takes a lot of practice. It's not just a career, it's a way of life, and one you have to work at every day. Progress down this road to damnation will be unsteady- sometimes a pious thought, sympathy or a pang of remorse will try to mislead you, but this is when your strength and determination are most needed. Just remember that all of us, or at least, all of you, make mistakes, and be persistent!

If you are to get better at evil, however, there's nothing better than practice. See a dog run in front of your car? Evil doesn't happen on it's own. Step on the gas! When you've become able to mow down Rover, Fluffy and Spot with impunity- nay, with glee- move your way on to their owners. When your feel your heart becoming hard- then you know it's time to take on the elderly. When you're really confident, go for the handicapped. When you can do a hit and run on a quadriplegic and speed away at 55 laughing like a hyena, it's only a hop skip and a jump from there to killing millions with barely an afterthought. Here are some other exercises: go to the funeral of someone you don't know, and laugh as loud as you can. Try stepping on bugs, then small woodland animals, then large woodland animals (word of advice: avoid brown bears). And for some good examples of how to be selfish, heartless, empty of all sympathy and filled with hate towards others, try watching the Republicans and copying whatever they do.

I can't stress this one enough. An intelligence of at least 150 IQ or 1500 and above on the SAT is not required for an evil genius, but it sure helps. When the CIA, the MI6 and everyone else in the free world is knocking at your door, you'll need that extra gray matter to plot your escape. So if you become an evil villain and find yourself outwitted by the clever exploits of George W, don't say I didn't warn you. If you still want to be in the world-conquering business, but aren't too bright, I recommend that you be a Henchman.

Henchmen are essential. They are your underlings, your worker and soldier ants, they do whatever you tell them to, they get their hands dirty with sulfuric acid instead of yours. Physical strength is important, but lack of the will and intelligence to resist you with is more important. You want them to know their place and to serve mindlessly. Employees of the fast-food industry might be a good place to start.

Equipment is essential. To start with, you'll probably want lots of power- try a Tokamak, a fast breeder reactor, or, if you're on a tight budget, a diesel generator. You're going to need advanced computers and communications equipment, perhaps a metal shop. Most importantly, of course, you'll need weapons. Several megatons of tactical and strategic nuclear arms are simply indispensable for world conquest. Of course, you'll need a delivery system: submarines can let you (the Russian Typhoon-class subs are a great bargain), bombers are fast and accurate, and ICBMs are fun (you've got to hide them well, though), but to get real bang for your buck try a cruise missile. For guns, you can try the Russian 23mm cannon, but for a real uranium-laced breath of hell try the GAU-8 Avenger 30mm Gatling antitank gun. I've found it effective on everything from the T-72 tank to puppies. Fuel-air explosives are also handy, they'll take out the neighbors but also everything else in a quarter-mile radius, so do be careful. For all your world domination needs, check out Villain Supply.com.

Some kind of fortress is essential. Pick a place remote and rarely visited, such as Nepal, Antartica, the Sahara, or Kerguelin Island. Places that see a lot of heavy traffic, like New York, The Eiffel Tower, or Disneyland are not good places to set up operations.

After you've got all this cool stuff, you still have to pay for it. Money is one of those practical matters that may annoy you, but it has to be dealt with. Old fashioned methods like bank robbery and pyramid scams are effective, and if all else fails, you can just print it. Be creative! Try kidnapping somebody for ransom- the Pope, for example.

Paranoia is your only friend, everyone else is against you. You can't be paranoid enough, really. By setting out to bind the will of every person in existence to your tyranny, to strip them of all rights, freedoms, possessions and joys that they ever owned, you've effectively made enemies with everyone. It's kind of inevitable you won't be Mister Popular.

Extending the bounds of scientific knowledge works in your own interest. Science gives us knowledge, and knowledge is power, and power can always be turned to evil ends. Found a way to reanimate the dead? Learned something about manipulating brain chemistry? Discovered the composition of Chicken McNuggets? You'd be surprised how useful little discoveries like these can be in world domination.

Perhaps you've just discovered a way to purify water, and you're telling me, "But how can that be used for evil? What good is water purification technology for besides helping people?" Obviously you're too stupid to see the answer. You can purify water for evil: hook a couple of those babies up to nuclear reactors and use them to purify the ocean! Once you take out the plankton, you've wiped out the ocean food chain (bye-bye big-eyed baby harp seals! See you in Hell, Shamu!) AND eliminated the major source of oxygen on the planet! Hard work and brains are important, but without that spark of creativity, you may never be a successful villain. 

Without a plan, you're lost. Sure, random acts of violence and destruction- there's never enough of those. But without organizing them into some kind of coordinated scheme, they're not really going to make a difference in the world when it comes down to it. It may take weeks, months, or even years of scheming, calculating and plotting, and even then, you can't foresee every contingency. Your plan needs to be comprehensive, but flexible, it needs to be able not only to work despite setbacks but to take advantage of whatever luck throws your way. Perhaps you want to insinuate yourself into world government, perhaps you want to start at the other end and seize control of the world's resources, or poison the nation's supply of alfalfa sprouts. Whatever it is, you can't be wandering aimlessly through life. You need to have a plan- not just knowing what you're going to do tomorrow, a plan is so much more- it's a vision, a great Design, a thought waiting to be born into form, a dream demanding action and substance, a plan is where your inspiration and the real world meet!

This is when it all comes down to the line and you see what you've really got. As important as the planning and scheming are, execution is where you're really put to the test. It looks good on paper, but can you REALLY take out all of the world leaders by inviting them to a big game of golf and planting a tactical warhead in the twelfth hole? Dressing your troops up in Mickey Mouse costumes to throw your enemy off balance might seem pretty clever, but during a tricky paradrop you'd be surprised how much wind resistance those ears big have, and hell forgive any wretch unfortunate enough to land in the Florida everglades, surrounded by alligators, dressed in a Goofy suit! Perhaps you forgot that the nuclear fallout from your series of high-altitude explosions will render the world barren, meaning you'll be living off of canned corn and pork-n-beans till you die, ruling the last thirteen people left on earth crowded inside your bunker. Execution is where you find out for sure if your figures add up, it's the moment of truth.

World domination isn't just a demented obsession- it's the passion of a connoisseur, the devotion of an artist, and a path of education and inspiration. It's the quest of a lifetime. But enough talk. go out and get 'em!